When Mother's Day Hurts
Mother’s Day is meant to be a happy day to celebrate the mothers in our life, and our relationships with them. On this day reserved for appreciation, there seems to be little room to honor the ache of a Mother’s Day that isn’t reflected in the cheery sayings on a Hallmark card. If you’re feeling the Mother’s Day Ache, we want you to know that we see you, so let’s talk about it.
Before you dive in, remember that our professionals are always here to help
You’re feeling hesitant about Mother’s Day because…
There are a myriad of reasons that Mother’s Day may have you feeling off kilter this year. We hope something on this list speaks to you if you’re not feeling it this year.
It’s a reminder of difficult relationships
Whether you’re struggling with the relationship with your own mother or there’s tension between yourself and your partner or even your children, difficult relationships make holidays feel harder. That’s amplified on days like Mother’s Day where the entire focus shines on relationships that relate to mothers.
Difficult relationships add complexity to celebrations for Mother’s Day particularly if they’re within your core family. You may be feeling pain or anger due to the complexity of those situations, or you may just be feeling confused about how to handle it. There are many sets of emotions that come with navigating challenging relationships and motherhood.
Loss overshadows the celebration
Managing life after loss is never easy. On holidays, it’s infinitely more difficult. Holidays after the loss of someone who shared those occasions with you, like a grandmother or mother, can be particularly tender. If you’ve lost a child or pregnancy, the sharp reminder of every holiday you didn’t get may feel too acute to move past. Grief changes over time but it never leaves you completely. These losses may indelibly change the way you observe this holiday (and many others).
These profound losses may feel obvious, but death is not the only kind of loss that may alter your celebration of Mother’s Day. Changes to your work-life balance, home status, relationship or the sense of self are all impactful types of loss. Each will uniquely contribute to the way you feel the weight of the world this Mother’s Day.
Motherhood isn’t what you expected
This one hurts. We’ve put it in the middle of the list on purpose, with hope that we can pad and support your emotions with the words on either side if you see yourself in these. The truth is: no one else tells you what motherhood is going to be like because they can’t. Everyone’s experience of becoming, and being, a mom is unique except for one thing: we will all be blindsided.
For some people, that blindsiding is excruciating. You may be shocked by the intensity of emotion you feel for your child, or just within yourself in general. The duality, exhaustion and depth of mothering emotions can feel overwhelmingly isolating on a normal day. Mother’s Day may intensify them, especially if you’re still trying to make sense of what this experience means for you and how to navigate it safely and as a whole human being, caring for another human being.
Your family structure is unique
There are so many ways to be a family, but so few greeting cards to honor those relationships. Seems a silly thing to think about, but those simple draws to alternative family structures can be uncomfortable.
Whether you have a collective of mother figures in your life or you supplement those relationships with chosen family in all sorts of affirming and mothering roles, finding ways to honor them within the context of Mother’s Day may be a bit touch and go.
The rest of your identity feels unappreciated
Do you feel like you’re only a mom? If you feel like you’re wearing your mom mask and forgetting what your own face looks like in other spaces and roles, Mother’s Day could feel a little suffocating. Be gentle with yourself if you’re feeling resentful or just worn out about the frequency with which this single facet of your complex identities seems to take center stage.
5 ways to meet yourself where you are on Mother’s Day
If you’re just not feeling it this year, for whatever reason, check out these tips.
Think back on five things that have felt good this past year.
They don’t have to be wholly good things, or even experiences other people were a part of. When your confidence is shaken or dread feels like the matriarch of emotions, remembering all you’re capable of is an empowering way to be honest about your feelings in this moment while recalling feelings that really made you shine this year.
Drop the judgment and try to accept one thought you have today.
If you find yourself getting ready and dreading the event, then immediately feeling guilty for the way you’re feeling, stop that. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but being ruthlessly accepting of those emotions can give them breathing room. When you feel validated instead of judged, it may be easier to get through it.
DON’T ask someone what they think.
Yup, you read that right. When you’re feeling the urge to ask for someone’s opinion because you think you should (even though you’ve already made up your mind), don’t ask. Trust yourself and let that opinion you already have lead. People have enough to say about your life. Let this one stay with you.
Write an honest affirmation on your mirror or your lock screen.
You may already be an affirmative person, and if that’s the case, now is the time to try something new! If you tend to downplay affirmations, go with a bold statement of power like “Your opinions matter more each day!” If you’re more prone to whimsical inspiration, try something simple like “You can.”
Spend one hour the way you want to today.
It feels like a bold move to not do the plans that were made for you, but this day (or this hour) is meant to be exactly how you want. Unapologetically take one hour to do the thing that makes you feel whole and happy. Read a book, take a bath, or go for a walk. Eat ice cream in your car if that’s your thing. Set a timer and take that hour your way.
Take what feels good to you, and leave the rest. Most importantly, we hope you find yourself feeling seen today.
Regardless of why or how this holiday is feeling a little sticky for you this year, we hope that you can give yourself some grace to authentically be with your emotions. There is power in finding the duality of being where you are right now, while also honoring the beauty of the holiday alongside it.
