Things I Wish I Knew Before Having a Baby

Like any parent, I remember the first time I held my baby like it was yesterday. The feeling of new life in my arms was at once joyful and terrifying, with a whole range of emotions in between. Above all, I wanted to be the best parent I could be — but there was something I didn’t realize back then that I do now: being a great mom and taking care of myself aren’t mutually exclusive.

To put things another way, there are a few things I would love to tell that wide-eyed new mom now that I’ve got some distance from those first few days, months, and years of parenthood. Most importantly, I would tell my younger, new-mom self that prioritizing my own mental health, emotions, and self-care is one of the most loving acts I could possibly take for both my baby and myself.

Here are just a few things I wish I knew before having a baby — things that, if you’re a new parent, could perhaps help you, too.

Before you dive in, remember that our professionals are always here to help

People Are Happy to Help

For years, I was the type of person who would struggle to ask for help. If I had a problem, I'd think, "I can handle this myself." And I did, even if it meant staying up all night and not sleeping for days.

When my first child was born, I didn’t ask for a lot of help then either. I quietly shouldered the responsibility of parenthood, not realizing how much help was there for the taking.

Since then, I've learned that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness; it's the opposite, which is why I finally decided to reach out when I needed support while caring for my infant. Asking for help has made me a better mother, because it allowed me to see what a gift it is to have supportive, loving friends and family members in my life — people who could teach my child the value of lending a helping hand when a loved one needs it.

I understand how easy it is to feel isolated as a new parent and put pressure on yourself to do everything alone. But by accepting help from other moms, family members, and friends, you'll enjoy your baby more, get the rest you need, and find a new appreciation for your loved ones.

And honestly, no one will think less of you if you ask for a helping hand. People might even be relieved, as they'll finally have an opportunity to pitch in and show some support!

Reach out to friends or family members and let them know what kind of help you could use — a few hours alone, a home-cooked meal, a quick shower while your baby is entertained, a cup of coffee, or anything else that will make life just a little easier. This brings us to my next point …

Self-Care Is Not Selfish

Here’s a secret: It's possible to be an amazing mom and also do things for yourself.

There's a common misconception out there that once you have a child, you have to put yourself on the back burner and essentially stop existing as an individual. It’s simply not true. If anything, taking care of yourself will make you a better parent, friend, employee, spouse — the list goes on.

If you think back to your pre-baby days, you might have a hard time remembering what you used to do with yourself all day long. Did you have leisurely cups of coffee on your deck? Did you go to concerts? Did you enjoy vacations, drinks with friends, or music festivals? How about just moments of quiet with a good book?

It’s OK to do these things again — in fact, it's healthy! You need to do what makes you happy so that you can come into every day, every moment, with a fresh attitude and be the best version of yourself for your baby.

Initially, you might start by simply getting a babysitter, putting your little one down for a nap, and going out for lunch with a friend. Then, you can work your way up to a date night or an overnight trip. Just like your baby learning to walk, you’re taking baby steps toward reclaiming your individuality. Take things slowly, and you won’t feel like you’re depriving your baby of mommy time.

Your Emotions Are Valid

The first year of your baby's life is filled with so many highs and lows — some that you may not feel prepared for. The first few months can be especially emotional, as your body adjusts to the new demands on it and as you take on a new identity as a mother.

Many times, in the first six months or so, I found myself crying over things that I wouldn't have even thought twice about before having a baby. Whether it was a hormonal response, anxiety about the well-being of my child, or just plain exhaustion, certain situations brought tears to my eyes when they simply wouldn't have before.

The truth is that when you're caring for an infant, it’s natural for new emotions to arise. With a tiny human entirely dependent on you for their care and well-being, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. You may even have feelings of guilt — especially if you feel like you’re not bonding with your baby instantly or if your child is born with a health issue.

Experiencing the Baby Blues

And you’re not alone in those feelings. Between 50% and 75% of people experience the “baby blues” after giving birth, with bouts of sadness, crying, and anxiety that typically dissipate after a couple of weeks. Up to 15% of these people will have postpartum depression, with more severe symptoms. A smaller percentage may develop postpartum psychosis, a condition that requires immediate medical intervention.

With any of the above, don’t be afraid to talk to your partner and/or your health care provider about how you’re feeling. With professional help and support, you can get back to feeling like yourself.

Parenthood

The transition from pregnancy to parenthood is a big change for anyone, and there can be a lot of uncertainty as far as what to expect with this major shift. In the end, you'll likely find that much of what you expect is true — it really is a life-changing experience — but there are also a few surprises along the way. It's important that you do your best to be prepared for these changes before your baby arrives, with the understanding that you don’t need to be perfect in your new-parenthood journey.