Hey (Single) Mama, Does it Feel Heavy Today?
When you’re juggling, jostling and jumping through rings of fire like the superhero you are, you might not know how to stop and catch your breath as a single mom. As Father’s Day approaches and you may be reminded of your single status, we want to sit with you a minute and chat about the way that feels.
Before you dive in, remember that our professionals are always here to help
Single parenthood impacts every facet of your life
When you’re holding the keys to the kingdom, it feels like a lot of pressure. There are no two ways about that: it is. Being the sole operator of a household, and the lives within it, is immensely stressful because it’s more than just the parenting that you’re doing alone.
Parenting by yourself changes the way you engage with work, friends, family and community. Where does the single mom support come in? For many mothers, it feels like it just doesn't. Your sense of self is altered by the demands on your time and energy. It can be a difficult thing to get to grips with and the emotions of exhaustion, overwhelm, anger and guilt will wreak havoc on your life balance.
All the obligations that are not negotiable must come first, no matter how mundane and utterly UGH they feel. It’s like putting a new bulb in your bedroom lamp and realizing the entire room looks different now. Not always bad, but definitely a whole new world out there.
There are some undeniable bright sides too
All single mother perception seems to err toward “spinster to pity” instead of “absolutely epic human getting things done” and honestly, we’re not here for it. There’s so much more to it than that! Being a single mom is a lot of things, including empowering, rewarding and entirely bespoke to meet the needs of your child without challenge.
In as many ways as being a single mom can be a challenge or contribute to isolation, it can also be really awesome to have no compromises to make on your parenting style. It’s especially awesome when there’s no one to fight for the remote after bedtime too.
It’s okay to resent all the hats you have to wear
You are the fixer, the listener, the rule maker, enforcer, the good guy, bad guy, chef, meal planner, gym coach, homework helper, alarm clock, hall monitor, activity doer, shoe tyer, lunch maker, floor cleaner, wall wiper, laundry folder, mailbox-checker, wipe-wielder and and and… where does it stop? That’s a whole lot of hats to wear yet it barely scrapes the surface of the tasks on your to-do list today, probably. As a single mom, all these roles fall to you because there’s no one else to take them up. That gets heavy.
There is absolutely nothing written in the rulebook that says you have to like it. In fact, it’s normal and perfectly acceptable to feel a little (or a lot) bitter when you start to count it all out and weigh it all up. You may find only scraps left to be the bookworm, dress-up playing, show watcher you want to be. There are never enough hours in the day (or restless nights), and always more hats than you have capacity to wear. You get to feel whatever way that feels, whenever you need to, mama.
You do not have to sit alone with all those big feelings
Parenting is complex and the emotions that come along with it are just as complex. You may feel a hundred ways in a single day, and none of them feel easy to talk about. You might feel obligated to cater to the way other people feel about your parenting experience, which only further complicates things.
There’s a strange discourse in conversations about mothering and a lot of them center on the image we’re projecting. You should struggle, because everyone does, but also be grateful because you get the gift of motherhood. It’s a seemingly invisible line in the sand to strike this balance but it’s also not the whole picture. This is especially pronounced in the way the image is painted for single motherhood.
Truthfully though, every single one of those at-odds, imbalanced, painful, perfect emotions are justified and you get to feel them. Despite the guilt gnawing at your peace, all your big and complicated feelings have space to share and air when you need to. You do not have to feel them alone, or to know them alone. Community is an invaluable gift when it’s something that helps you feel accepted within yourself and the many hats you wear.
3 tips for navigating the Fathers Day frustration
If being a single mom is weighing heavy as all eyes turn to celebrating dads, we see you. It’s hard to keep your head down and keep moving through the looming day, but we’ve got a few words of advice to offer. We know you’re busy so we’ll keep them brief.
Mute the words “father” and “dad” on your social media for the weekend.
Outline, in detail, how you’ll spend the day so you’re not caught off guard
Be honest with yourself about your feelings- and let your kid(s) do the same.
We’ve built a community online, from moms all around the country who are short on time and long on lists. It’s at your fingertips, at your convenience, because your mental health should never have to wait for the next lull in life. You’re doing a great job, mama, and you don’t have to go it alone. If you’re looking for community support, a counselor or even just a reminder that you can feel your feelings, we’ve got you.
