The Problem With Being A Perfect Parent

Where does the pressure for parenting perfection come from?

The easiest and most difficult answer to this question is probably right at the tip of your tongue: you. Each of us enters parenting with our own set of ideas and beliefs about what it means to take on this role. Our expectations of ourselves and others are often born before our children are, and the pressure comes when we fail to evolve as parenting does. 

But we don’t arrive at these expectations and internal pressures alone. Let’s take a look at some of the places where the pressure on parents to be perfect is hiding in our daily lives. 

Before you begin, remember that our professionals are always here to help

Social media

Picture-perfect moments, hashtags, and montages that share joyous occasions with the world. This #parentinggoals content fills our feeds and friendships with a deluge of falsehood that contributes to the idea of who and how we must be as parents. 

Maybe you’re feeling the pressure to throw a Pinterest-perfect party or be a viral-worthy advocate for a parenting cause like someone you know. You may feel pressure to be as carefree as this one mom, or as put together as that, but the curation of social media feeds can quickly become a curse on our daily lives if we’re trying to be snapshots in motion. 

Family 

Are you trying to emulate the amazing things your parents did, or the ideas they expect you to incorporate into your expanding family? The legacy of generations past can feel like an ideal you want to strive for or something to work to avoid—it might even be a bit of both. But balancing these generational goals with life in the here and now can get messy. 

Whether it’s your own idea of how these things should play out, or your family members are voicing opinions about a life they’re not living, it can really add up. You might be ready to slip on some noise-canceling headphones at the next family party and pretend you can’t hear it at all.

Culture 

The legacy of culture can be so many things, and even the expectations of family can fall into this. What has happened, or traditionally happens, in the area you live or the community you are a part of? If you’re religious, you may find some expectations about parenting that are prescribed across your spiritual teachings as well. 

Cultural expectations about parenting can begin in celebratory ways that feel like tradition, but even these things can become a bit intense. 

Your Co-Parent

It doesn’t matter if you’re married, dating, or just doing this parenting thing solo. The pressure from a co-parent who also has a say in what your child’s daily life should look like now and in the future can be one of the most overwhelming parts of parenting pressure. It can put a strain on you, your child(ren), and your relationship with your co-parent when you have different expectations about parenting roles and ideals. 

Some of the problems that arise from the pressure to be perfect

While this isn’t somewhere we want to dwell, it can be important to think about the ramifications of continuing to let perfectionist pressure rule your parenting style.

Here are a few of the impacts that you might feel from this pressure

Too-high expectations 

What you want or demand from yourself, your partner, family or even your children can begin to spiral beyond reasonable expectations when the pressure boils over. If you’re feeling like you’ve got to get things right, it’s likely that you expect others around you to adhere to the program of what it means to do so. 

Burnout

Your daily schedule isn’t the only thing that might fall flat if you’re trying to do too much at once. Balancing your career, home life and relationships can become so overwhelming that you just stop trying at all. Parents, particularly moms, who are under high levels of pressure are more likely to experience burnout. 

Mood irregularity 

From depression to stress and anxiety, you can experience a number of mood impacts from being under too much pressure for too long. You might not be the only one to feel the emotional heat of prolonged pressure either- your kiddos may begin to feel anxious or overwhelmed as they notice your frazzled state and want to help. 

Thinking about the painful parts of these expectations may be a key to getting yourself on track to refocus on what actually matters instead of what everyone wants you to think about. 

Signs you’re already doing a great job with your kids

The first sign is that you’re still reading this. It sounds cliche but honestly, the fact that you opened this means that you care and parents who are doing a crap job…well, they usually don’t notice. But you notice. You see yourself in the pressure and the impact, and it struck a chord. Maybe you’re worried or feeling a little validated- maybe it’s both. Either way, we’ve got no doubt that the job you’re doing is enough. JUST LIKE YOU ARE. 

Did you read that? You are enough. You have always been enough. 

No matter what the overwhelming feeling of pressure to perform perfection and be the parent pulled straight from sitcoms and social media, you don’t need that. Your kids don’t either. 

You are doing a great job when you get frustrated. 
You are doing a great job when you apologize. 
You are doing a great job when you don’t know the answer. 
You are doing a great job when you order takeout. 
You are doing a great job when you try something new. 
You are doing a great job when you are honest. 
You are doing a great job when you are tired. 
You are doing a great job. 

We promise. 

For more support to escape the pressure of perfectionist parenting and find a little grace for yourself on messy or magical days, Luna Joy is here. We are proud to offer parenting support groups, therapy, and ongoing blog posts you can read when you sneak away for a little snack you don’t have to share. EXPLORE OUR WEBSITE 

It’s going to be okay. 

You’re already doing great.