A Dad's Guide to Postpartum Depression: How to Recognize it and What to Do Next

As a dad to a new baby, you now know all too well the rollercoaster of the early days of baby being home, including the massive shifts your partner is undergoing, healing from birth and adjusting from pregnancy to early motherhood. It’s a time of amazement, little sleep, and big changes, so feeling out-of-it can make perfect sense!

That said, if it’s been a month or more since your baby was born, and you’ve noticed persistent mood changes in your partner, you may be wondering about postpartum depression. She’s having a hard time and you want to help. What can you do?

Signs of postpartum depression to look out for

If you’ve noticed several of the following symptoms in your partner, and they’ve lasted longer than two weeks, she may be experiencing postpartum depression:

Increased irritability
Loss of interest in life
Hopelessness or sadness
Difficulty making decisions or completing tasks
Changes in appetite, or sleep, including overeating or undereating, insomnia or excessive sleep
Feeling disconnected from her baby
Disturbing thoughts of harm (seek immediate emergency medical care)

What to do if your partner shows signs of postpartum depression

Supporting your partner will make a real difference in terms of her getting help, and getting better.

Ask your partner about what she’s experiencing

Here are a few questions you can ask your partner, to help both you and her understand what she’s experiencing. Try to open the conversation with open-minded curiosity, so your partner knows you aren’t attempting to accuse, just to understand. Before hitting her with the screening questions below, begin by asking something along the lines of, “How has this transition been for you? Are there parts of your experience that surprised you? Has becoming a mother aligned with your expectations so far?”

Then, you can ask more direct questions:

Are you feeling overwhelmed lately? What, particularly, feels overwhelming to you?
Are you interested in the things you used to enjoy? Do you think you’d enjoy them now?
Do you feel close to the baby? Do you worry you might not be bonding the way you want to?
Are you worried about whether you can safely take care of the baby? Do you ever feel like harming yourself?

If your partner answers yes to several of these, she likely needs extra support as she is experiencing a postpartum mood disorder. Let her know you’re in this together, you’ll help her find the care she needs, and support her in her decisions.

Who can you and your partner talk to, to get help?

At LunaJoy, one of our missions is connecting women to the postpartum healthcare they need. We work with any of the following types of practitioners, providing education and direct referral collaborations to make sure more women can get help. Ask any of the following people about postpartum depression care:

Your baby’s pediatrician
Your partner’s OB/GYN or midwife
Maternal fetal medicine doctors
Your partner’s primary care physician

What NOT to do, when you notice signs of postpartum depression

Even with the best intentions, there are messages you can communicate to your partner that can make her recovery harder, or in fact worsen her experience. Here is a list of “don’ts” , when talking to your partner while she’s dealing with a postpartum mood disorder:

Don’t:

Compare experiences. Don’t say “well so-and-so is doing the same, or more, and is fine!”
Tell your partner to let it go, or just improve her mood
Doubt your partner’s experiences; she knows what she’s going through, and if she’s been brave enough to share, please be brave enough to hear her.
Make major life decisions before your partner begins to get better. If the decision must be made, try to make these decisions as collaboratively as possible.
Expect your partner to be all of your emotional support; you’re in this together, but can’t be each others’ everything. When it takes a village to raise a child, that includes a village to support the parents. Find support for yourself, too, through friends, family, a therapist.

Ways to support your partner as a new mom

As well as help from medical professionals and trained therapists, you can help your partner, as an active participant in her healing journey.

Prioritize time together, even if it looks different

Postpartum depression can change what a person is capable of enjoying, and change how they express their personality. What used to be fun might not appeal any longer, which can be an adjustment for a partner. Prioritize spending time together, even if it’s just quiet time at home. Even better, if some activity sounds fun to your partner, help plan it, and help make sure going and doing it is easier on her than it would be if she had to plan it all alone.

Spend time with your child(ren)

Seeking out time with your baby (and other children if you have them) enables your partner to get rest, to go to therapy, to take care of herself. It also enriches your life, and your baby’s life too. Ask for time, instead of waiting to be asked, and don’t ask your partner to plan or manage your parenting while you’re in charge.

You are a capable problem-solver who can find the fun and the functional in being a dad. You can manage a meal, or cleaning, or play, or all at once. We were all beginners at something, and you’re totally capable of learning along the way!

Help out around the house

When it comes to postpartum mood disorders, as well as caring for a new baby, your partner is going to have a harder time maintaining routines around housework. Take on extra housework tasks where you can; see if you can anticipate the need for the household before it happens. Your efforts here will make a huge difference in support; it’s a sign you’re in this with your partner, and she’s not alone.

Help is here for you and your partner

LunaJoy is here for you in helping with postpartum depression. We provide counseling and medication management for mothers experiencing postpartum mood disorders, and have a series of other articles available on postpartum mood disorders as well.