When Communication Breaks Down: The Role of the Window of Tolerance
As women, we know that communication is an essential part of our lives. From talking with our partners and children to navigating complex work situations, communication is key to building strong relationships and achieving our goals.
But what happens when communication breaks down? And why does it sometimes feel impossible to put into words what you’re feeling? What happens in our bodies when arguments escalate, and how can we ensure that we're connecting with others in a way that's healthy, respectful, and effective?
Understanding the concept of the window of tolerance can help us regulate our emotions during difficult conversations and improve our communication skills.
At LunaJoy, we believe that effective communication is essential to a fulfilling life and offer online therapy services that can help you develop the tools you need to communicate authentically and respectfully. Whether you're struggling with a difficult relationship or simply want to improve your communication skills, our experienced therapists are here to support you every step of the way.
Before you begin, remember that our professionals are always here to help
5 Quick Tips for Better Communication
As vast as our network is of friends, family members, work colleagues, partners, children, and acquaintances, the potential for communication breakdown is just as extensive. The context of each situation varies greatly, and what may make sense in one situation may be completely inappropriate for another.
This is why having your own therapist to talk with about the difficult communication patterns (and partners) in your life can be incredibly helpful as you game plan how to handle the difficult conversations in your future.
Still, we’ve compiled 5 quick universal tips you can implement right away to improve your communication skills.
Practice active listening: When someone is talking to you, give them your full attention. Try to listen without interrupting, and pay attention to their body language and tone of voice. This will help you to understand their perspective and show them that you value their thoughts and feelings.
Focus on your reactions to the situation, not the other person: Instead of placing blame or making assumptions, use "I" statements to express your thoughts and feelings. For example, instead of saying, "You always do this," say, "I feel frustrated when this happens." This will help you to express yourself in a way that's assertive but not aggressive.
Be mindful of your body language: Remember that nonverbal communication is just as important as what you say. Make eye contact, use an open posture, and avoid crossing your arms or legs. This will help you to communicate in a way that's open and approachable.
Seek out feedback: Ask a trusted friend or family member for their honest feedback on how you communicate. This can be a valuable tool for identifying areas where you could improve and become more self-aware. Therapists are great for this too, especially to help you practice healthier ways of communicating.
Take a break when needed: If you're feeling overwhelmed or emotional, it's okay to take a break from the conversation. Let the other person know that you need some time to process your thoughts and emotions, and set a time to come back and continue the conversation when you're ready. This is something we’ve been talking with our clients a lot about recently, and we want to dive into this further.
Does this sound familiar?
Maria and David have been together for several years, but lately, they've been struggling with communication. They've noticed that when they try to have difficult conversations, they often end up arguing or shutting down. They're both feeling frustrated and disconnected, and they're not sure what to do.
One evening, David brings up a topic that he's been wanting to discuss with Maria for a while. As he starts to speak, Maria can feel her heart rate starting to increase. She starts to feel anxious and defensive, and before she knows it, she's interrupted David and started to argue with him.
David, feeling hurt and frustrated, responds with anger, which only makes Maria more defensive. Before they know it, they're caught in a cycle of escalation, with each partner feeling more and more overwhelmed and reactive. At this point, Maria's window of tolerance has narrowed to the point where she's no longer able to regulate her emotions effectively. She's feeling flooded with intense emotions, and her ability to communicate clearly and effectively with David is compromised.
The Window of Tolerance
The window of tolerance is a term used to describe the range of emotions that a person is able to tolerate without feeling overwhelmed or shutting down emotionally. When a person's emotions fall outside of their window of tolerance, they may become flooded with intense emotions, which can lead to emotional dysregulation and difficulty with communication.
Although this concept is helpful to all relationships, let’s all admit that no one can quite rile you up like a romantic partner can (or a teen, but that’s a whole other blog!). For this reason, we’ll finish out this blog with tips tailored to one of the most important relationships in our lives.
Our ability to communicate is directly related to our window of tolerance
In romantic relationships, the window of tolerance can have a significant impact on how couples communicate with each other. For example, when one partner is feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or stressed, their window of tolerance may narrow, making it more difficult for them to communicate effectively. In these moments, they may become more defensive or reactive, which can lead to conflict and misunderstandings.
On the other hand, when both partners are within their window of tolerance, communication can be more productive and collaborative. If Maria and David can learn to recognize when their windows of tolerance are narrowing and take steps to regulate their emotions, they can avoid getting caught in this cycle of escalation. For example, if Maria had recognized that she was starting to feel anxious and defensive, she could have taken a break from the conversation to practice some self-care and ground herself in the present moment.
Couples who are able to regulate their emotions and stay within their window of tolerance are better able to communicate their needs, express empathy for their partner's perspective, and work together to find solutions to relationship challenges.
So, how can couples work together to expand their window of tolerance?
In addition to the above-mentioned universal tips, here are a few communication practices that healthy couples use:
Practice rephrasing the other person’s point of view before stating your own. Your partner, quite honestly, isn’t going to be able to hear what you have to say until they know that you accurately understand what they’re trying to say. Don’t parrot them, but help them flesh out what they’re feeling by demonstrating your understanding.
Learn to recognize your emotional triggers. Become more self-aware of the situations or topics that tend to trigger intense emotions in you. Also notice how these instances feel in your body and where the words get stuck. In clenched fists? A knotted stomach? This can help you to prepare for challenging conversations and communicate more effectively with your partner when you might need to take a break.
Agree on the ground rules for breaks. If you or your partner regularly feel overwhelmed or flooded with emotions during a conversation, it’s important that you have a script or a code word between you that clues the other partner into what’s happening. Agree on this outside of the moment when either of you is emotionally escalated and a timeframe for coming back to the conversation once you are both feeling more grounded and present.
Accept that “I don’t know how to explain it” doesn’t mean that nothing is wrong. Sometimes the words just aren’t there yet. They require processing the situation 2-3 times again in your mind, with friends, a therapist, and others who can help make sense of what might be amiss. While becoming more in tune with our emotions is something we all might be working towards, we’re not omniscient narrrators.
Practice self-care. You likely saw this one coming. Still, self-care is important to keep us in touch with ourselves, and calming skills are vital to coming back to a conversation after a break and working through it. Engage in activities that help you manage stress and regulate your emotions, such as exercise, mindfulness, or meditation. This can help to widen your window of tolerance and make it easier to stay grounded and present in difficult conversations.
Improve Your Communication Skills with Online Therapy at LunaJoy
At LunaJoy, our online therapy services are designed to help you develop the skills you need to communicate effectively and authentically.
Our experienced therapists are here to support you every step of the way, whether you're dealing with a difficult relationship or simply want to improve your communication skills. So why wait? Reach out to us today, and start building the life you deserve.
