Unconditional Positive Regard has a Hidden Condition
You’ve heard of unconditional positive regard before; remember back in psych 101?
This mental health skill sounds a lot like a buzzword! Unconditional positive regard is your therapist’s secret superpower—are you ready to find out how to make it yours too? Here’s what it is, how it helps and the first steps in unlocking it in your life today!
Before you begin, remember that our professionals are always here to help
What is unconditional positive regard?
Unconditional positive regard is a term coined by psychologist Carl Rogers that means choosing to show empathy, no matter what someone has said or done. Rooted in the general value of connection to our experience as human beings, this simple and deeply complex theory is powerful. To view someone with empathy unconditionally does not mean to condone their detrimental behaviors or to move on without consequence.
Unconditional positive regard isn’t a free pass for cruelty or a demand that you accept everything as it arrives. Instead, it’s asking you to humbly see people and their actions as entities that are related but not inseparable. You’ll lead with curiosity and a desire to understand instead of judgment or other pre-determined emotional states.
When you lead with unconditional positive regard, you are telling others that your empathy will move ahead of your judgment. Judgment is a human condition as much as connection and community are, so learning to let go of it can be difficult—especially when it’s hidden condition reveals itself.
So what’s that hidden condition? If you’re living with unconditional positive regard for others, you must also extend it to yourself.
Letting go of judgment
Did you read that last sentence and cringe? We get it. Showing yourself kindness and then showing up for yourself without judgment can feel brutally difficult. You may have been raised to believe that compassion for self is indulgent, or makes you arrogant. You may feel unworthy of empathy, or like you are not strong enough for needing it.
All of those things are valid but that does not mean they are true.
Learning to release your inner critic and use unconditional positive regard in therapy or outside of it is a process. But it’s one that will help you unlock healthy coping skills for anxiety, confidence and healing. In order to live with unconditional positive regard more fully, let’s take a look at what it can offer you.
The benefits of extending unconditional positive regard inward
So much good is created in spaces where you are not silencing possibility before it presents itself. In your own life and the lives of those around you, unconditional positive regard has many benefits.
Increase your confidence
Confidence is difficult to harness when you’re often anxious or overwhelmed. How you see the world and your own presence within it are a big part of embracing your own power in a positive way. Through unconditional positive regard, you can relearn the ways you speak to and about yourself.
By embracing the opportunity to get curious about yourself and your decisions, you invite new observations about yourself. Without the conditions that you’ve applied to yourself all this time, what will you discover?
Face regret or shame
Got a busy inner critic? The wisdom of hindsight often makes for inner judgment that stirs up a heavy storm of regret, shame and self-loathing. When you’re learning healthy coping skills for anxiety around those feelings, unconditional positive regard may help you press pause on you inner monologue.
When you feel shame, it is normal to be defensive or agitated. By offering yourself acceptance and empathy instead, you free up the energy that those feelings take up. You can more clearly look at those feelings through a lens of exploration instead of agitation when you do not believe they represent your worth or value.
Supporting past trauma
Whether you are reflecting on your own experiences or someone else’s actions, utilizing unconditional positive regard in therapy is a great way to allow yourself to feel and heal the pain of trauma while making space to release the resentment and shame held alongside it.
The duality of authenticity regardless of action is especially powerful when you are working through past trauma. Seeing both at once gives you the space to strip away some of the layered pain you feel in order to more effectively navigate it so that you can understand your emotions in new ways.
Unlearning and reframing is a skill
One of the most important things you can remind yourself of as you explore this new skill is that using unconditional positive regard in therapy is something we have learned. Even as therapists, it’s not something we came to know innately. Though it’s important work, it is a learning process so please don’t be discouraged if you haven’t rewritten your whole life story overnight.
Changing the way you think about yourself, your past and the world around you may feel a little overwhelming. Honestly, it kind of is—but most secrets are.
Unconditional positive regard is one of the healthy coping skills for anxiety, depression and other mental health struggles that therapists around the world rely on. Even for us, learning it took time and energy but it can be such a beautiful unfolding process.
If you’re ready to learn this and other healthy coping skills for anxiety, confidence, growth and mental health support, Luna Joy is ready too! We’re currently supporting clients just like you in 13 states and we'd love to help you discover how using unconditional positive regard in therapy can enrich your life today!
