Beyond Affirmations: How to Speak Kindly to Yourself

Sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us break our spirit. When you’re trying to master the use of affirmations for mental health, you may find yourself coming up against your own habits in the way you talk to yourself. Are you finding that you’re pretty mean to yourself

If speaking kindly to yourself doesn’t come naturally to you, we get it. It’s difficult to remember to turn compassion back on yourself. We believe that every person deserves the power of positive self-talk, but in order to use it effectively, we want to help you navigate what that means and how you might be getting in your own way. 

Before you begin, remember that our professionals are always here to help

Types of thinking and self-talk that are hurting you 

When you start thinking about how to speak kindly to yourself, you’ll begin to notice patterns in your thinking and self-talk now. There are three kinds of self-talk: positive, negative, and neutral. But there are also a lot of gray areas when you begin to explore your own internal conversations.

A lot of what you notice might make you feel a little bit at odds with yourself. You want to feel good about who you are but… wait, what’s that “but” about? 

There are a number of ways that you can get in your own way with a “but” at the end of the sentence. Even when you have a sincere desire to speak to yourself with kindness. Each of those “buts” has a unique imprint on your thoughts and feelings, leaving an impression of defeat or frustration in its wake.

These ways of talking to yourself may have been born of necessity or once protected you from pain. But as they linger, these thought patterns and types could begin to damage your relationship with your sense of self and the world around you. 

Here are some of the types of thought patterns and self-talk that can get in the way of your affirmations and growth journey. 

Catastrophizing 

Absolutely everything is an urgency, emergency, or disaster that is unstoppable. 

“If only”

Defeating daydreams you could achieve if only (insert impossible circumstance here). 

Black-and-white thinking 

The only outcomes are this or that—no other iteration of possibility or interpretation exists. 

Projection 

How you’re thinking/feeling/experiencing a moment is how someone else must be.

Should, would, could 

Mental lashings for the ideal things that should, would, or could occur (but aren’t).

Three tips to speak kindly to yourself

If you’re nodding your head along to these types of self-talk that can get in the way of using affirmations for mental health, you’re likely wondering what’s next. Recognizing that something isn’t working is a great step, but you need to know how to take the next step so that these habits you want to cultivate can stick. 

We’ve got three tips to help you get started. 

1.) Embrace your own voice. 

You do not have to be—or sound like—anyone else in your own head. When you are beginning to speak intentionally to and about yourself, you might find it difficult to get the words just right. If you’re working on this new skill, it’s important that you start by showing up to listen to your own voice even when the words don’t come out the way you want them to. 

You are still doing important work, and more importantly, you’re doing it your way. You don’t have to be a glossy motivational speaker or an inspirational guru to be worth listening to. If you find a few more f-bombs and ums scattered through your inner voice than you expected, so be it. Do it your way. Embrace the way you navigate this experience, and how words and ideas come together within it. 

2.) Speak with authority. 

Do you remember the late-night infomercials of the 90s? With the enthusiasm of announcing a winning lottery ticket and the implied expertise of inventive wisdom, these 60 to 90-second blips managed to convince you that not only did that actor know and believe everything they were telling you about this product, but you now did too—and you absolutely needed it right now. 

Be that infomercial actor when you speak to yourself. Exude confidence and tell yourself what you need to hear as if it’s a fact. Take it a step further and let yourself lean into that authority as if, for this moment, it’s the only fact that has ever been or ever will be on the subject you’re speaking to yourself about.

Model your inner voice after the confidence and authority granted to every 2 am laundry powder, car cleaner, towel, or mirror light, and you’re well on your way to being able to speak kindly to yourself, as you would to a child or a loved one you respect. 

3.) Repeat yourself. 

If speaking to yourself like you’re the lone expert in all things affirmations for mental health isn’t getting the job done, we’ve got one more trick to add to your hat. Decide on what the story is going to be—or what you want it to become—and stick to it, often. Repetition is a fantastic way to rewrite the scripts we’ve taught ourselves through hardship, change, and growth. 

When the old words stop working, work with your therapist to develop new ones and then repeat them as often as possible. Write them on your mirror, make it your lock screen, speak them out loud or use them as a prompt for journaling.

Do any combination of these (or even all of them, if you’re really trying to cover your bases) to ensure that the message of intentional self-talk is repeated across every facet of your life.

Luna Joy is here to help you build your affirmation journal, self-talk skill set and find some stable comfort in a complex life. From speaking kindly to yourself to sharing that compassion in your life, we want to support you at every step. 

care@hellolunajoy.com