6 Common Ways Conversations Become Conflict & The Conflict Resolution Skills That Can Help!
Tired of all your conversations ending in conflict, and wondering how to stop fighting all the time? Whether it’s conflict in parenting or partnership, at home or at work, Luna Joy’s got your back. We’re sharing conflict resolution skills, thoughtful tips and how to get a leg up in being the bigger person when things get heated.
Before you begin, remember that our professionals are always here to help
6 Common reasons for conflicts
There are so many causes for conflict that we find ourselves fighting with our loved ones or the people closest to us in daily life. Regardless of the topic of the argument, many conflicts arise from the same motives. Below, we’ve identified some of the most common reasons that conflict happens.
Talking to be heard instead of to listen
Entering a conversation with the intention of making a point creates tension from the very start. When one party is preparing to respond, mentally defending themselves (or some part of the situation) or forces a conversation without ensuring the other party is ready to have it, conflict happens instead of a conversation. Likewise, if one party is frequently interrupting or reacting with their body language (eye rolling, sighs or gestures) while the other is speaking, it can be difficult to maintain an open conversation.
Focusing on what’s missing
If the center of your conversation is around a deficit, particularly in a person’s core identity or skills, there will always be an element of conflict that prevents compassionate conversation. This is especially true if you’re trying to figure out how to stop fighting all the time, or if you’re in a high conflict relationship with someone in your everyday life. Focusing on what’s missing or flawed is the quickest way to cut to the core of someone without ever creating space for vulnerability and honesty.
Determined to be right
We’ve all been in these situations, and so often it ends up feeling like an interrogation instead of a conversation. While this is often a domino effect or motivation behind interrupting and defensiveness, it is also its own cause for conflict. Showing up to a conversation with an immovable position in which you feel you must prove yourself and cannot hear anyone else without bias, isn’t really showing up at all. It’s an argument, and one that you’re determined to win.
Making demands
Compromise can be an incredible conflict resolution skill, but it can’t be the only one deployed in healthy conflict. This is a frequent feature of conflict in parenting, from both parents and children, yet it is so rarely effective and quite often leaves all parties feeling alone and frustrated.
Letting blame lead
An easy way to picture blame in arguments is thinking of “you always/you never” statements. These are often emotionally charged statements that lay blame or communicate pain without clearly accomplishing any new route to information. When blame becomes the central communicator, all effective growth and change stops. Nothing can move as long as you’re speaking from pain instead of intention.
When feelings take the wheel
This follows directly on from the whole blame thing because honestly, any feeling that eclipses your judgment can become a barrier to effective communication. If you’re trying to figure out how to stop fighting all the time, or reduce conflict in parenting, a really big barrier to finding clarity is often having difficult conversations while also having difficult feelings.
Conflict resolution skills you can use today
Constructive conversations happen when all parties are prepared to talk, feel safe and comfortable being honest with each other, and are prepared to compromise in order to see the other person’s views. Here are some fixes you can start using right now to help you reduce conflict in your life and relationships.
Never have difficult conversations when you’re tired, angry or hungry.
If a conversation can’t be avoided, try to find a pause point through honest communication instead of swift emotion.
Listen actively and rephrase what the other person says to ensure you’ve understood correctly. This is your #1 job in effective communication.
Use “I feel” statements instead of “You did” or “You are” statements.
Ask the other person what they need—in exactly those words: “What do you need right now?” (This only works if you intend to help them with it.)
Be specific in sharing what you need, or what you’re feeling about a situation.
An important reminder when thinking about conflict and reducing high tension is this: you will accomplish nothing if you feel everything at once. Be specific and immediate in what you must solve right now. One step, one solution, at a time. You will each be people first, and taking things in specific, small steps will help you to remember your compassion amid the conflict.
Important PSA: Arguments are not inherently unhealthy
At the core of conflict resolution skills and being the bigger person, there is an important truth that goes unnoticed too often. The focus isn’t on what’s occurring: instead, it’s how we go about these things that matters most. The way you manage conflict with your partners, children, colleagues and even family members is the key to harmonious relationships.
The truth is that arguments and conflict are not inherently unhealthy.
Indeed, relationships where there is no conflict are often more risky and less productive. There is little opportunity for growth when there is no opportunity to talk about the things that aren’t working as safely as you celebrate the things that are.
If you’d like to brush up your conflict resolution skills, heal past conflict wounds or find support among others who can relate, Luna Joy is currently taking clients. Get in touch today and create a safe space for conflicts in your life.
