You know you’re a proud member of the LGBTQ+ community. Whether you’ve been out and proud for a long time or you’re quiet but confidently representing your identity, there isn’t a question whether you’re queer.

But—you’re in love with someone wonderful, and that relationship looks wholly hetero. While it’s definitely a privilege to be straight-passing, it feels weird. You feel weird in your own life. Suddenly the prismatic puzzle of who you are doesn’t fit quite right even though you’re feeling loved and cherished in that relationship. For women who are looking for support on being queer in a heteronormative relationship, let’s talk about it.

Before you begin, remember that our professionals are always here to help

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Some of the challenges you may face if you’re queer in a heteronormative relationship

Feeling isolated or rejected by the queer community

This is particularly familiar to bi people in straight-passing relationships and for trans people considered passing by broader society. This sense of rejection may be a subtle but significant feeling that your experiences aren't fully understood or validated. It can be hard to feel connected with your authentic identity that others no longer validate, and you may find yourself missing the sense of belonging and connection you once had. Please don’t let this discourage you—you are valid, and your sexuality does not change based on your relationship status (or others’s opinion of it).

Experiencing homophobia or invalidation

When your relationship status shifts from alternative to conventional, people in your life who were ambivalent or unsupportive of your identity previously may suddenly be bursting with enthusiasm that you’re back on the straight and narrow (pun intended).

This might look like

Expressing relief or gratitude that you’re in this new (straight) relationship

Jokes that it was “just a stage” after all
Being told that bi people in straight-passing relationships don’t count
Suggestions that you’re not (and never were) queer enough
Accusations of queerbaiting or lying

These instances of homophobia may not be overt, and they may come from your straight acquaintances or people you know within the LGBTQ+ community. Someone may just make a casual comment of gratitude at your new relationship or share a sense of approval that was lacking before, but it’s apparent when someone who inauthentically supported you in other relationships is suddenly ecstatic about your straight-passing one.

Pressure to conform to expectations that don’t work for you

You may feel like you’ve been stuffed into a mold that was never meant for you. Particularly in a straight-passing relationship, the pressure to conform to societal expectations can feel suffocating. People suddenly feel more comfortable pressuring you to get married, have kids, buy the house—do the whole 9 yards. You might want that, but maybe you don’t want to hear it from Aunt Janice at every family gathering like clockwork, particularly if you are facing infertility or financial struggles that make these expectations painful to talk about.

Feeling like you’ve lost part of your identity

Similar to how you may feel rejected by a community, your relationship may make you feel like you’ve lost something in your inner world too. You may feel like you’re now denying, repressing or silencing part of your truth. It can lead to a sense of resentment, self-betrayal or frustration that seeps into the connection you share with your partner.

This feeling often has nothing to do with the love you have for your partner or the health of the relationship. Instead, you’re grieving your sense of self as you viewed it. We all change with our relationships and experiences, and your identity remains beautifully diverse and valid. This multifaceted self is still present in your relationship and worthy of celebration, no matter who you love.

It’s important to note that not everyone that’s queer in a heteronormative relationship will experience these challenges. You may experience some, none or all of these in your current situation. Whether you’ve been openly out for years and are confronting this for the first time, or are slowly trying to unpick your identity as you recognize all its facets, each of these experiences may occur.

Finding resources and understanding for straight-passing LGBTQ+ individuals can be a difficult journey. No matter your identity or relationship status, you shouldn’t have to struggle with these complicated feelings alone. There is support available—from therapeutic reads that validate your experiences to therapy sessions to talk them out, we encourage you to seek support that feels safe and accessible to you.

How to find authenticity in your identity no matter your sexuality

Communicate openly with your partner(s) about your experiences

It can be hard to be vulnerable, but communication is key. Let them know where you're at, what you’re feeling and how things impact you. It’s difficult, especially when it encompasses them but isn’t about them.

When you’re open, you invite the opportunity for your partner to surprise you with their understanding and support. This can ultimately help support you while strengthening your connection.

2. Spend time reconnecting with your queer identity

Explore your identity and passions in ways that feel true for where you are right now. If it’s messy to find your truth or express yourself, let it be messy (but if that mess feels too big, we’re here for you). Give yourself permission to take up space. When you can find comfort in these experiences, it can help you to embrace the vibrant spectrum of who you are.

3. Validate your experience by seeking a community that works for you

Find gentle ways to engage with your local (or broader—the internet makes everyone local if you get creative) LGBTQ+ community, like books, films or art that you can connect with in your own ways. With an increasingly hostile political climate around queer culture and particularly trans rights, it’s important that you find ways to engage that are within your boundaries of safety so you don’t put your emotional or physical wellbeing at excessive additional risk.

From attending local events at inclusive venues to seeking out art shows (of the still or performance variety) online or in person, there are so many ways to bring community into your life while remaining comfortable.

There is no right or wrong way to exist in your life. No matter your relationship status, you are valid. There’s space for you at Luna Joy and in this word, and we’re committed to helping you explore that on your terms.

Navigating your Queer Identity in a Straight-Passing Relationship