Is it Possible to Talk About Abortion?
4 Ways it Can Go Wrong and 7 Communication Strategies to Help
With news last month leaking insight into the docket of the Supreme Court and the future of Roe v. Wade left uncertain, many Americans are understandably alarmed. If passed, the draft is meant to return the authority on the legality of abortion to the states. With a number of states already imposing stricter gestational limits than Roe’s viability marker (23-28 weeks of pregnancy), many are speculating that following the ruling, some states will prohibit abortions entirely, or mandate further gestational limits.
How this news hits you is likely dependent on your political leanings. For some, this is the realization of their reasonings for getting involved in politics in the first place. For others, it’s one of their primary fears coming to life. While the nature of political issues leads to opposing opinions, abortion in particular is a divisive issue often held close to the heart. According to a 2020 Gallup poll, one-fourth of respondents (24%) from both sides of the aisle claimed that they would only vote for a candidate who shares their views on the issue. Further, 30% of those in the pro-life camp and 19% in the pro-choice camp say they are single-issue voters when it comes to abortion. With the upcoming opinion regarding Dobbs v. Jackson Women's Health Organization and the news cycle bringing this front and center, it’s no wonder we feel like a nation divided.
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Braving the Conversation & Where It Can Go Wrong
So what happens when we try to talk about this sensitive issue with someone who feels differently? Is it possible to talk about abortion with someone who has a different political leaning? In these conversations, more often than not, we feel triggered, become overwhelmed, get enraged, find ourselves at a loss for words, and struggle to stay in a space of levelheaded compassion. More than just a disconnect of logic, our bodies jump into protection mode, gearing up for the fight or flight. With children, we call similar behavior “flipping your lid,” and in Gottman-style couples therapy, we call this “flooding”. However you prefer to think about it, when someone you love disagrees with you on an issue this big, it feels like a monumental rift opens between you.
Here are some of the places where even honest attempts to have political debates can go wrong.
#1 We forget what we’re up against
When navigating political conversations, in particular, one of the main challenges requires us to step outside of the inflamed rhetoric present on both sides of the argument. If we’re not careful, our social spheres and online spaces can become an echo chamber of people who live, think, and feel just like us, or rather the most extreme versions of us. While decluttering your feed from persons who deliberately post triggering content can be a positive step for your mental health, we do well to remember that there are others who feel differently, who are not monsters, and who may not even be as far off from you on the political spectrum as you think.
Without any friends across the aisle, we run the risk of forgetting the humanity of the people who live there. The what we’re fighting against quickly becomes who holds those beliefs. Rather than challenging ourselves to find the fears and beliefs that fuel opposing political decisions, we’re content with our ideas about who they are and how they live, whether that’s rooted in reality or not.
#2 We become simultaneously numb to and enraged by our own beliefs
Hearing the same talking points from multiple similarly-aligned sources can have the effect of normalizing that rhetoric. This can occur to the point that we may not know what we’re agreeing with or realize the enormity of what we’re saying when we parrot those points in our own discussions. Similarly, creating and sharing inflammatory statements the length of a tweet or the size of an Instagram graphic may get the clicks it was aiming for, but does nothing but stoke the fire of our growing resentment.
#3 We talk around one another
In conversations with others—and even as we’re shouting into the void our beliefs about whether abortion should be legal—rarely does it feel like we’re talking about the same thing. We often fall into the fallacy of constructing our arguments around what we care about most, rather than by first understanding the other’s point of view. In conjunction with a straw man argument, we tend to see our opponents through an extremist lens, rather than recognizing our commonality. According to Pew Research Center, 71% of Americans find common ground in the belief that abortion should be legal in some cases and illegal in others. However, rarely do we start here in conversation, instead going for the metaphorical jugular with the more extreme views that we know will get a reaction.
#4 Our fears blind us to theirs
This point piggy-backs on the one before it, but it’s worth pointing out more fully. We are not blank slates entering a conversation. We carry our thoughts, fears, hurts, life experiences, people we’ve met, and their stories into our conversations. When we are operating out of fear—worry about how this will change life as we know it, grief about our personal decision about abortion in the past, heartbreak over the task of assigning a value and start date to human life—we cannot hear the fear in another’s voice, the conviction of their truth.
So what now?
It’s common to struggle when navigating political conversations when you disagree with the views of another person. The Pew Research Center purported that political polarization is more intense now than at any point in modern history. Nearly 80% of Americans now have "just a few" or no friends at across the political aisle.
In 2020, The New York Times wrote an article exposing the common political discord between family, friends, and workmates. Some of the information was alarming. For example, family members moving out of the house, tension at holiday gatherings, and turmoil in romantic partnerships, etc.
Have you had ugly fights, stopped talking to family or friends, or no longer attend family get-togethers because of political polarization or falling into any one of the traps expressed above? Sometimes hitting pause on those relationships is what’s safest for everyone in the moment but if you have regrets, it can begin to take a different toll. Maybe you lost sleep over the disagreement, felt anxious, depressed, or felt shame for losing your cool. Maybe you’d like to restore the relationship, but don’t know how to start a conversation.
Be Kind to Yourself
Let's pause. Let's normalize these arguments a bit. Whether it is talking about abortion or arguing over gun laws, employment, education, taxes, affordable education, affordable housing, etc, these issues are deeply personal. So, first consider giving yourself a break for having political disagreements with others. When you’ve grounded yourself in self-kindness, you can move forward with intention.
Communication Strategies to Diffuse Difficult Conversations
The aftermath of a political disagreement with someone we care about can feel painful and may leave you feeling very confused, hurt, furious, anxious, sad, and depressed. Maybe you want to mend the relationship? But how do you start a peaceful conversation with a loved one?
After reviewing how we’re contributing to the disconnect in these relationships, there are some steps you can take to help make these conversations successful.
If you are genuinely interested in peacefully conversing with someone you previously had political discord with, consider asking them to have a conversation with you. When you enter the conversation with similar expectations and a chance to internally prepare, neither party will feel cornered or caught off guard.
Remember, you are not trying to win the argument; your goal is to seek to understand another's experience. Listen more than you talk and ask questions when you don't understand. Take a curious stance.
Make sure the person knows that you are generally interested in opening your heart to learning and understanding their feelings. Neither of you needs to walk away from the conversation with a changed perspective—that’s not the point.
Remember to breathe during the conversation. When we are anxious, our breathing becomes shallow, making us more nervous. Breathing properly calms anxiety. There are many videos on the web for using breathing to relieve anxiety. You can also use practical mindfulness skills to help ground yourself before and after the conversation.
If you are worried about getting angry in the conversation, world-renowned therapist-traumatologist Marsha Linehan has a tip for you. When your anger is starting to rise, relax your arms on your lap if you are sitting or rest your arms by your side if you are standing. Open your palms face up. Keep them face up. This palms-up trick goes back to evolutionary biology; in the distant past, it was a sign to a stranger that you have no weapons. Here’s how it works. Being palms-up demonstrates that we are relaxed and calm and prepared to remain so. Palms up-keeps us from getting triggered into anger. It works. Seriously, try it at your next business meeting with an annoying teammate or a family member who is always complaining. Here's the link to palms-up with Linehan: https://youtu.be/oNb_jXLC7wY
Let's face it. It's nerve-wracking to have difficult conversations. Overly prepare what you'd like to say to open the invitation for a discussion. While the goal is to seek to learn and understand a different viewpoint from your own, it can be helpful to also know where you stand. Consider where the root of your beliefs lie. What statistics or particular points feel important, and which are unnecessarily inflammatory? How have you been shaped by the life experiences you’ve had? Do you know someone who faced a decision about abortion, and how much of your argument stems from defending their experience?
Avoid feelings. How do we do this? Do not get into the blame game. No finger-pointing. Try to separate the person from their political beliefs about abortion, just as you should separate yourself from your own beliefs. Remember, a criticism of your stance on abortion is not a reflection of you, nor is it a challenge to your identity. Use an internal dialog, like a mantra to stay present, “I am not my beliefs”, "This is a person I am fond of”, or “I am calm and listen with my heart," etc.
Remember, not everyone is ready to discuss their political ideas with you. Sadly, the person you communicate with may shut down, get angry, or refuse to communicate with you. If you recognize the conversation isn’t going well, offer them a compassionate out, “this is feeling uncomfortable, can we stop and talk about something else?” As you reflect on a conversation that doesn’t go as hoped, use kind self-talk, like “I gave it my all and did my best to resolve the conflict”.
When political issues seem to take up the majority of your mind space and you can’t seem to pull yourself away from the news coverage or the online political arena, it’s possible that this is affecting your mental health. Certainly if politics are causing ruptures in your relationships, you may benefit from more advanced strategies in grounding, mindfulness, communication, and coping with the stress of it all.
At LunaJoy, we offer online therapy services in California, Florida, Georgia, Alaska, Illinois, North Carolina, New Jersey and New York. We specialize in mental health care for women, at every stage of life, no matter their political leanings. Connect with a nonjudgmental therapist that can help you navigate emotions brought up just in thinking about talking about abortion or other political issues that feel front and center for you right now.
