How to Let Go for Growth
Parenting Support for when Your Kids are in Early Adulthood
Your child is now an adult. They’re your equal in the eyes of the law but when you look at them contemplating cross-country moves or the career elevator, you feel a little catch in your breath. Your heart races as you try to figure out how to stop seeing skinned knees and chubby cheeks where an adult now stands. You’ve reached the end of these quantified stages of parenting and honestly, you’ve got no idea what happens now.
We get it. And we’re here for you. Let’s talk it out together.
Before you begin, remember that our professionals are always here to help
Your child is now an adult; you made it! (Right?)
You’ve likely been waiting to cross that parenting finish line of 18—adulthood—with your kid(s). Now that you’re here, how are you feeling? For many of us, it feels jarring. We anticipate this release in the process of parenting: a permission to no longer feel responsible. You anticipate the chance to release worry and let things be whatever they’ll be.
Except that’s not what’s happened. Instead, parenting a young adult may leave you feeling confused, powerless, fraught and a little bit overwhelmed. Young adults are still your kids but you have no idea where you stand with them. Suddenly, what’s at stake is their security, their success, your relationship with them, their relationship with themselves, and the ever-expanding network of their externally established family and lives.
On and on it goes, and you are stuck amidst what you thought and where you are. You know this isn’t sustainable but you don’t love the idea of what comes next.
Why you might need to let go of the role of parent
The relationship you have with your child changes often throughout life. At this stage, you’re familiar with the cadence of their moods and schedule. You’ve had their lifetime to learn what they need and want from you as a parent, but what does that relationship entail when you’re not parenting them?
As a parent, you are the protector and caregiver of someone who relies on you. Once you enter the "young adulthood" stage of life, while your child still loves and looks up to you, they no longer rely on you. Continuing to lean into this dynamic may limit you in how you show up for your children now. It’ll definitely limit your ability to grow into a new kind of connection if you dictate the future by what the past held when you both had different needs.
Here are some of the powerful ways your relationship may flourish if you let go of your parent role in this new stage:
You and your adult child can bloom fully into your individual identities.
You’ll have more energy to put toward exploring new ways to connect.
Releasing your attachment to parenthood will also free you from those expectations.
The thought of letting go of your role as parent may feel upsetting but it doesn’t mean letting go of your bond or connection. Be reassured that letting go doesn't mean giving up on your adult child or the love you feel for them.
What new boundaries may look and feel like
So if this whole process of letting go doesn’t mean you’re done being their parent, what does it mean? Understanding how you feel- and how you think you should feel—is the first step to inviting authenticity to this stage of your relationship.
Take a moment now and consider what you’re feeling about how this relationship feels now, and how you wish it did.
You might feel a lot of things, including:
Hurt
Angry
Confused
Relieved
Anxious
Joyful
Helpless
Celebratory
Proud
Uncertain
Vulnerable
Defensive
Bereaved
Compassionate
Curious
Afraid
Overwhelmed
Shocked
Numb
There’s no normal way to go about any of these stages of parenting and this one is no exception. Every family and even every parent-child relationship will be its own shape and type of unique.
You might feel some or all of them, churning together so constantly that you can’t separate the good from the bad when it comes to new boundaries with adult children. With everyone operating on their own wavelength, you can’t get it right because there’s no real field guide for letting go and growing here. So if you’re feeling any combination of these or other emotions, you’re doing just fine.
Empowering (but often hard) affirmations about letting go
If you knew then what you know now, you might have done things differently. But if that were true, you wouldn’t be in this moment, reading this blog, and getting ready to take the next step on your journey of growth and adventure with this cool human you helped to exist. That’s pretty special, even if it’s also pretty difficult at times.
We want to leave you with a few affirmations. Write them down, screenshot them, share them with your friends. Whatever you choose, we hope you remember that these reminders are offered with love and permission to embrace every turn on your parenting path.
“I am not responsible for every decision my adult child makes.”
“Struggle and success are not mine to own for others, but I can support my adult child.”
“Love and connection evolve in all relationships, and I can celebrate that.”
Explore more parenting perils, passions, and questions in our series: The Stages of Parenting or check out all blogs on our site related to parenting here.
For support and community for women, parents and those who need support that makes them feel celebrated, Luna Joy is proud to offer inclusive and accessible online services in 13 states. Get in touch today!
